Daytime TV Cooking Segments

I watch The Talk (a daytime talk show) during my lunch. It's either that or judge shows. I'll take 5 funny ladies, one of them a lesbian (Sara Gilbert), over down-trotted people looking stupid on TV arguing over a damaged $5 heirloom. (No offense to anyone who has been on one of those shows.) I have 2 problems with the show.
1. Why do we have to watch 20 minutes of the guest coming out and hugging all the hosts? Seriously, it doesn't need to take that long. Why not have them already out and sitting with the table. Then you'd have more time to talk with them.

And finally, what this post is supposed to be about...

2. The Cooking Segment. Cooking segments on talk shows are pointless. A. They rush through them so quickly and in less than 2 minutes there's a fully cooked meal on the table. That's not realistic. Fast food isn't even that quick. B. Stop making shit with ingredients I've never heard of or can't pronounce. What the hell are Cipollini onions and why would I buy an entire jar of pickled jalapenos for one recipe? Why can't you show me how to bake chicken or fry an egg?

Obviously I can't cook and I hate cooking. I'm always afraid I'm going to send someone to the hospital. Here are just a few of my cooking, kitchen, eating quirks...


I don't cook meat. Well, that's now quite true. I can shake'n'bake chicken and pork chops. If you want any other kind of meat at my house some one else better be cooking. The only exception is the CrockPot. I am really good at CrocPot cooking. Turkey Chili (meat cooked by someone else) and Chicken'n'dumplings are about it.
The lighting in my kitchen sucks so much that we can never tell if the above mentioned chicken and pork chops are completely done. Quite often we eat burnt pork chops jut because that way we know it's done.
I'm really good at burning dinner.
Generally I don't like to eat what I'm cooking.
I seriously wash my hands a million times. I guess I am that afraid of salmonella and my dislike of being dirty.
I do not use or eat anything past the expiration date. Nope. Not. Gonna. Do. It. I think this stems from drinking an expired and spoiled carton of milk in elementary school. I also don't drink milk because of that.

Sleeping Beauty is even less talented in the kitchen that I am. I will credit her with cooking ground turkey for me and she can grill. Otherwise, she seriously has to read the cooking directions on a can of green beans.

I'm cooking Thanksgiving this year. And by cooking I mean warming a turkey that has already been made. Let's hope I don't burn the house down.






How are your cooking skills? What kind of cook are you?